“Oh no!” I say out loud. The TV mutes, all eyes on me. “I forgot to get my meds.” 

My phone reads 7:34pm. Thirty-four minutes past the time the pharmacy closes. A wave of grief knocks me back leaving me dripping in guilt. Again, again I miss the mark. 

Late last week, I unexpectedly ran out of two medications that I could have sworn I had backups for. Then, this week, I ran out of yet another medication that is part of my day-to-day transplant medication. After the gut wrenching realization last night that it happened again, I hopped on the pharmacy app associated with my health insurance. I was due for a refill, but it was set on auto-fill for May 17th. I looked at my past orders and I received a 90 day supply 91 days ago.  I went back to the medication and checked the earliest date I could submit a refill request: March 25th. Baffled by the incorrect dates, I switched to the MyChart app and requested a refill to cover the gap between when the medication would be allowed to get refilled and when it would get delivered. 

First thing this morning, I received a notification from my local pharmacy on my phone stating the prescription had been received. Relief. I opened the app and the relief turned to frustration within seconds. The medication couldn’t be filled until Monday. I called the pharmacist and asked if there were other locations that had the medication in supply, to which she suggested I call the other locations and ask the same. Luckily, the first call to another pharmacy location took over the search on my behalf and ended up finding the only pharmacy in the area that had a partial dose – which was just enough to last me until my refill came through.

I spent the next few hours in meetings, assured that things were looking up compared to the past couple of weeks. During a quick break, I called the pharmacy to check and make sure the prescription was transferred successfully. I received a very quick response, the pharmacists are on break. Deja vu. Same timing as last week when I showed up for the other medications that were filled and the pharmacists were on break. 

I waited, redialed, and spoke to the pharmacist. After a comedic back-and-forth of trying to grasp why I was calling, the pharmacist informed me that the prescription hadn’t been sent to the location so it hasn’t been filled. Fear gripped my throat and I blurted out “but do you have the medication?!” Silence echoed through the speaker in response. I shifted my eyes from the window to my laptop and back, not processing the outdoors or what was on my screen, just something to do to try and settle my emotions so I wouldn’t stomp around and scream. 

Key tapping brought my attention back to the phone pressed to my ear. “Yes, I can put in the prescription here. It can be ready in 20 minutes.” I sighed and sank back into my desk chair, tears welling in my eyes. “Oh it is okay, I just wanted to call when I had a chance to make sure I could pick it up after 5pm today.” 

We hung up. The day continued. And I forgot.